"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
