Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
