my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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