i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
