sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
