I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just high enough for therapy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
