My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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