haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
