lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
