my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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