I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
