Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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