is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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