I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
