My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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