I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
