I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
