i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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