i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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