Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
