The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
