the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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