you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
