Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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