my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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