Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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