I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
