u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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