I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
