I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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