Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have fence marks all over my body
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
