I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
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you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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