I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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