This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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