Even water is tasting like jack daniels
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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