How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
