oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
