Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think your dad took our porno
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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