Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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