We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Semen is not good for contacts.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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