Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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