Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
