Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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