His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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