My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.