never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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