ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
