We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this beer tastes like vomit already
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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