You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
