She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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