i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
