I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
