If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
